Emetophobia has been a part of my life since I can remember. I still have vivid memories of the few times in school a classmate vomited in the same room as me. I wouldn’t have been able to say what I felt as a child, but it was a fear much more intense than anxiety – absolute terror and disgust. I would cry, close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and hum to try to block out any sight or sound of someone else being ill.

Over the years I began to avoid doing more and more to try to avoid being around people who may vomit, or vomiting myself.

When my peers were experimenting with alcohol and going on nights out I would never drink more than a few glasses and would leave early before others started getting too drunk. It wasn’t long before I stopped going to theme parks, cinemas, restaurants, buses. Things like boat trips on holiday were out of the question. If I did go on public transport I would have to sit away from strangers and would constantly scan them for signs that they might be sick. I’ve been known to get off a train at completely the wrong stop because someone was coughing and I was worried they might be sick.

Restricting food and being very preoccupied with food safety was another way I tried to cope with my fears. I was a vegan for many years as avoiding animal products was an easy way to try to avoid being sick. I wouldn’t eat food that I was unsure was 100% completely safe, wouldnt eat in a restaurant without checking the food standards, wouldn’t eat anything past its best before date even though it wasn’t ‘use by.’ Cooked everything twice as much as the instructions said “just in case” even if it was tinned tomato soup.

I don’t think there’s one singular cause of me developing emetophobia. My mum also has it and would run away upset when I was ill, so I think that played a large part. People with emetophobia can also be quite naturally intolerant to disgust (easily grossed out) and that’s a theme in my life. I’m quite hypersensitive to unpleasant smells or sounds. Can’t deal with sand in my shoes or crumbs in the bed!

For me, being able to live my life free from the crippling fear and inability to do anything that might potentially bring me into contact with any vomiting triggers was a huge goal, and one I’m still working towards today. Over my 20s and early 30s I sought support and was offered an intensive course of evidence-based treatment from the NHS. I learned that avoiding emotions like fear and disgust were the main things that kept my fear and disgust going!

Over the years I have slowly faced my fears, partly by using the opportunities life presents (e.g not looking away when someone is sick on TV) and partly by pushing myself to do anxiety-provoking things, like eating from buffets, going on cruise ships, cooking food for the recommended amount of time. After not vomiting for 15 years I did and actually I was glad that happened – I didn’t die, I coped. It was not pleasant, but I was Ok. I know that next time there is a very high chance I will cope again too.

I wouldn’t say I’m fully recovered. I still occasionally get caught in a vicious cycle of nausea-anxiety-nausea-increased anxiety. But when that happens I remind myself I’ll cope if I am sick, don’t fight the anxiety and go and do something else. Desperately distracting myself from how I felt was very unhelpful, but so is being hyper aware and sitting and worrying about it. So I go for a walk, call a friend or do something else I find meaningful and engaging.

Emetophobia will probably always be something I have to manage, like diabetes or asthma would be, but I’m not a slave to my fear anymore and thats allowed me to make a life worth living. It’s easy and understandable to not want to seek out or stick with therapy because it’s so hard to do the opposite of what we want to do and face our fears, but for me it was worth it, without any doubt at all.

Sadge Hartley